HOW DO YOU LEAD TEAM MEMBERS YOU DON’T LIKE? REAL LEADERSHIP, REAL CHALLENGES – Part 1

By Viktor Koldunov

I wish I could say that throughout my leadership journey I was fond of every person who reported to me. For those of you that know me you might be shocked to hear this come out of my mouth, but it’s the truth. Still, my personal feelings should never excuse me from doing what’s right by someone on my team.

Like many others, I wished people leadership was utopic, but it’s not. Since it isn’t, then we must ask ourselves the following in such situations:

• What do you do when you don’t like a member of your team?

• How do you navigate your emotions when, deep down, you wish they would transfer or quit?

• How do you ensure they still have the same opportunities as everyone else to grow their career?

Let me take you back to a situation from my own experience.

I had a team member I didn’t like. It didn’t start that way, but over time, I got to the point where I just wanted to do my job without building a relationship with them. If they had left my team or the company, I would have quietly celebrated.

At first, they seemed committed to their job, even expressing interest in leadership. I was happy to hear that because I valued helping people grow. Sometimes, I pushed too hard, but that’s an article for another day.  So, what changed?

On the surface, I had no justifiable reason for how I felt about this associate. But beneath that surface, I began noticing behaviors that made me question their authenticity and integrity. I observed several skill gaps in their performance, and as any responsible leader would, I provided clear feedback, confirmed their understanding, and followed up to assess progress. While they appeared agreeable in our one-on-ones, their actions told a different story. They routinely disregarded feedback after our meetings, pretending to accept coaching, but ultimately doing things their own way.

They also consistently came to meetings unprepared, missing key pre-read materials and wasting time covering things they should have already known. They frequently shared solutions without fully understanding the problems, hijacked conversations and dominated dialogue. It became a battle to give them space to contribute while managing their input so others could have a voice. It seemed the associate was concerned about themselves, not others, and that was problematic for me for someone wanting to be a leader.

On top of that, I noticed passive-aggressive comments and behaviors meant to challenge my authority. They often acted like they were the true leader of the team. Was I threatened? No. They didn’t demonstrate the skill, judgment, or credibility required to lead at that time. I was annoyed with them because it felt like they were trying to undermine me when they weren’t performing well in their current role.

Eventually, I started doing just enough to maintain civility. I greeted them each morning like everyone else, but I kept it moving. I still coached and held them accountable, gave positive feedback when earned, but I spent noticeably more time with others. Then came the moment when I was held accountable.

I was called into my leader’s office and told I was demonstrating favoritism. The feedback came directly from this employee. My leader told me to make an effort to build a relationship with them. I was furious! That meant I had to fake a relationship with someone I didn’t trust or like at that point. However, because of my faith and my commitment to lead with integrity, I started evaluating my own behaviors. It was a personal battle for me that required emotional intelligence. I struggled with how to lead someone who wanted my job, who was undermining my leadership, while at the same time underperforming in their role. How could I create an authentic, inclusionary space for them when I really didn't want them on my team anymore? The answer was to remember my commitment and responsibility as a leader and to live out my faith values. This required me to do the right thing towards others, even when they did not treat me the same. I had an obligation to provide fairness and kindness to every associate. If I could not do that, I should not have been in a leadership role. So, what did I do?

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this three-part series, HOW DO YOU LEAD TEAM MEMBERS YOU DON’T LIKE? REAL LEADERSHIP, REAL CHALLENGES.