HOW DO YOU LEAD TEAM MEMBERS YOU DON’T LIKE? REAL LEADERSHIP, REAL CHALLENGES – Part 3

By Viktor Koldunov

Leadership will always test your emotional maturity. It certainly tested mine, and I learned I had so much more growing to do than I had thought.

Becoming an effective leader takes time and comes with valuable learning lessons along the way. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve helped people develop, and I’ve hurt some along the way, even with the best of intentions. With all my experience, I have yet to arrive (spoiler alert, no one has, well, except Jesus). That said, while there are some folks that really shouldn’t be in leadership roles (I’ll write about that in the future), you can mature your leadership skills and make wonderful impacts in your organization.

Let’s close this series out. I’ll expound on what happened after I confronted my employee and share some key learning lessons that could benefit leaders at all levels of their career.

So, what happened after that conversation?

As we were “having it out”, I noticed the tension in the room started to lift. We moved from talking at each other to talking to each other. We started listening to learn, not defend, and that made a world of difference. At the root, we both needed answers, and we eventually got what we needed from each other. The associate and I left the room smiling and ended with a big hug. We even talked about next steps I would take to start helping them develop as a leader while still ensuring their day-to-day work met expectations. This turned out to be a great learning experience for us both.

Now, I need to make something very clear. We needed to have a crucial conversation, but I went about it wrong. As the leader, it was my responsibility to create a “safe space” for us to have that discussion. I did not do that. I acted instinctively and out of emotions. Heck, I didn’t understand anything about psychological safety at that time, never even knew it existed. It was a good thing that both of us really wanted answers and their communication style could handle my approach. No matter their style, if that person had gone straight to my leader or H.R. and shared what took place, I would have been reprimanded for my behaviors, and I would have deserved it. So, what did I learn? Here are just a few learning lessons: 

Real leadership requires Emotional Intelligence (EQ):

As leaders, we must self-reflect so we can see our own behaviors clearly, so we learn how to manage relationships with others more effectively and make better decisions. Even when someone else’s behavior is out of line, I still had a responsibility to recognize how my actions contributed to the problem. I had created an exclusionary environment for this associate, believing I was effectively doing my job. They needed me to value them like I valued others and provide more than basic skills coaching. They needed my help to grow into leadership.

Address the root, not the leaves:

Looking back, my issue with that person was behavioral, not personal. But even if it had been personal, I wasn’t excused from developing them with the same care and effort I gave others. The truth was, I hadn’t given them the same opportunities for leadership development. I told myself they weren’t ready because they struggled with basic job skills and didn’t show a leadership mindset, and that was true. In my head, leadership development could wait until they mastered the basics. What I learned is that you can build both at the same time. I started delegating small tasks that didn’t interfere with their core role but still grew their leadership skills. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

How you say something is just as important as what you say:

It just so happened my employee could handle aggressive dialogue, because that’s what it was, not assertiveness. Yes, hard conversations are necessary, but the way I approached it could have easily blown up and made things worse. The only reason it turned around for us is we both wanted answers and were willing to get there, no matter what it took. We aired our issues, but it was my job to make it safe, and I didn’t do that. Preparing for and engaging in difficult conversations is critical. In the end, I was grateful for the chance to understand how my actions impacted them, and to share how theirs impacted me.

People mess up, but real leaders grow up!:

Even the best leaders make mistakes. No one is perfect, so stop trying to be. We all mess up, sometimes big. But there’s redemption if you’re willing to grow up. Don’t let failures define you, let them refine you. And if there’s someone on your team you wish would just move on, remember, you’re still a human leader, not AI. Still, real leadership means doing right by every team member, even the ones who force you to grow up!

I hope you’ve gleaned something from these articles that you can apply as a leader or use to coach your leaders. If your organization needs a partner to help them excel, I’ve got your back. At PROGENY1, my goal is to equip leaders with practical tools that improve their impact and help them achieve both professional and personal goals. Reach out so we can chat about meeting your 2025 goals, and beyond.